Recently I started a thread in a forum with the above topic and posted the following fantasies of mine :
1. Observe fasts for him
2. Decorate my home with fragrant candles n tasty foods 2 welcome him on a special day
3. Will make his name my e-mail password or share an account with him with our names joined as id
4. Write his name in my palm, switch off all lights in my bedroom and enjoy seeing dat in the moonlight
5. Enjoy seeing an old couple conversing in a park and think abt we two talking to
each other at that age
6.Write his name after me in all my books
7.Will try to avoid food/clothes/anything he doesnt like
8.Will whisper "ILU" in his ears when he sleeps
9.Will wear his clothes in his absence and feel him
10.Celebrate every anniversary of us in the place we met first
11.Keep his pic in the desktop of my notebook and mobile
12.His name in the contact list of my mobile ll b "ME"
13.Keep admiring his face when he is angry and shouting at me
14.Sip my tea from the cup used by him
15.Take the hair from his comb and preserve it in a beautiful box
16.Will be awake all night when he is ill
17.Tell his name each time someone asks me for a beautiful name for his new born baby boy
18.Remember his appointments and his relatives and his family's customs more than him
19. Will hug him when he is reading the dailies in the morning, place my chin on his head/shoulder and read along with him...will fight not to turn the page i am reading
20. will go to a small baby which cant understand anything but smile....tell the story of how we met and how i love him and enjoy the smile in its face
21.will remember him in the midst of work @ office, send him a message "ILU"
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Netting in the Gay Life
"asl plz"
"top/bottom"
"ur cock size ?"
"have a pic?"
"place?"
"contact no. ?"
Folks who are regular in the chat rooms or landed there occasionally might find these conversations not so puzzling. Yes! It goes without saying that these are exchanged between gays/bis on the net before the actual encounter in person.
I pity the generations before the advent of the net who had kept their emotions suppressed fearing abuse and seclusion from the rest as a punishment decreed by the society. Many had married women out of no choice, got divorced or abandoned by their spouse suspecting impotency or raised children without any enthusiasm in life. Self-pity descending on them, they would have counted the days in their remaining life with the feeling that they are the children of a lesser god.
Net (needless to say its the short for Internet), I believe is the greatest invention of humanity after the Wheel and the Combustion Engine. Though the novices get attracted to the unlimited and variety free porn filled in its pages, the sunny side of the net is that it has made social networking easy with a good coverage. However, Net was not a common man's cup of tea when I was in my early teens. Net usage at that time would have given me relief that I am not a loner in this planet. I had to undergo the regular pains and cries of my ancestors (of my sexual preference) as I discovered it to be out of the crowd.
Now in India, where the economy has filled the wallets of the youngsters and browsing centers outnumbering the eating joints of a locality, Sex is the cheapest commodity you can get in the net. Wanna uncle between 35 and 45 ? or a 7-inch cock ? Do you prefer circumcized or organs with foreskin? With moustache or Clean-Shaven ? Itz the biggest mall where choices are aplenty.
Like every Scientific Invention, which adds comfort to the human life, net has made social networking of gays easier but not without the limitations which every modern-day gadget with You-name-it-we-have-it facilities comes with. Just like a bed, it can give you comfort but not sleep. If you are looking for sex, you ll be fingering the lines given in the beginning of this post and sleeping with a guy of your choice in a few seconds. If you are for a bigger circle where you like to keep the physical relationship but in its right place within it, you ll be frustrated and writing a blog like this.
"top/bottom"
"ur cock size ?"
"have a pic?"
"place?"
"contact no. ?"
Folks who are regular in the chat rooms or landed there occasionally might find these conversations not so puzzling. Yes! It goes without saying that these are exchanged between gays/bis on the net before the actual encounter in person.
I pity the generations before the advent of the net who had kept their emotions suppressed fearing abuse and seclusion from the rest as a punishment decreed by the society. Many had married women out of no choice, got divorced or abandoned by their spouse suspecting impotency or raised children without any enthusiasm in life. Self-pity descending on them, they would have counted the days in their remaining life with the feeling that they are the children of a lesser god.
Net (needless to say its the short for Internet), I believe is the greatest invention of humanity after the Wheel and the Combustion Engine. Though the novices get attracted to the unlimited and variety free porn filled in its pages, the sunny side of the net is that it has made social networking easy with a good coverage. However, Net was not a common man's cup of tea when I was in my early teens. Net usage at that time would have given me relief that I am not a loner in this planet. I had to undergo the regular pains and cries of my ancestors (of my sexual preference) as I discovered it to be out of the crowd.
Now in India, where the economy has filled the wallets of the youngsters and browsing centers outnumbering the eating joints of a locality, Sex is the cheapest commodity you can get in the net. Wanna uncle between 35 and 45 ? or a 7-inch cock ? Do you prefer circumcized or organs with foreskin? With moustache or Clean-Shaven ? Itz the biggest mall where choices are aplenty.
Like every Scientific Invention, which adds comfort to the human life, net has made social networking of gays easier but not without the limitations which every modern-day gadget with You-name-it-we-have-it facilities comes with. Just like a bed, it can give you comfort but not sleep. If you are looking for sex, you ll be fingering the lines given in the beginning of this post and sleeping with a guy of your choice in a few seconds. If you are for a bigger circle where you like to keep the physical relationship but in its right place within it, you ll be frustrated and writing a blog like this.
Monday, October 15, 2007
For Me Itz a Noble Charity, U can call it whatever you like
A couple of days before, I was traveling in a Volvo bus in one of my business tours. A man with a respectable figure supposedly in his fifties was sitting in the window and I was frantically trying to get my sleep in the aisle. When I drowsed for a moment with my face turned sidewards, I felt uncomfortable with a hot air gushing through my nose. Quite surprised, I opened my eyes to see the old man’s face as close as possible with his eyes penetrating me as if to engulf me. Annoyed by his behavior I woke up and sat back in the normal position.
He apologized holding my hands and I didn’t respond. The regular stream of thoughts ran through me cursing these unsatisfied sexual addicts wearing the masks of a caring husband and a responsible father with a filthy face underneath hunting the vulnerable young men to let loose the beast inside them. To my surprise and quite different from the usual fetish crowd, he started speaking when we came out during a stop at a motel. Amazement again struck me when I came to know he was a gay and without a partner. His story was quite pathetic as he had lived a lonely life without a single soul to share his feelings. I advised him “Sexuality is a preference. But irrespective of whether you are a straight or gay, the sex inside you should get evolved and mature itself into deeper emotions, otherwise the advancement of age inside you will be in dearth of a meaning as you remain a playboy throughout your life not looking beyond the skin of a person”.
“I agree with you, my boy” he accepted. “My Logic understands but not my feelings. When I saw your face so close to me, I couldn’t control. My thirst has been accumulated for months, I didn’t get an opportunity to quench it. If at all you want to help me, be a vent for it. I ll be grateful to you all my life”. The tears that fell from his eyes and the words he uttered were resonating in my mind throughout the journey as I started dissecting it in all angles. No single reason could come to my mind against him and the genuineness seen his eyes fought for his case. When I agreed he said he is the happiest person in the universe at that point of time.
He was not so rich and is living in a humble dwelling. The next night we met after closing my business engagements. He lived every moment of that darkness. The next morning saw two satisfied souls in his bed .For the elder one in the physical boundaries and for the younger one in the deeper mental plane. I bid him adieu and told him that I expected to find a more mature person of him next time and definitely that meet will not culminate in his bed. The Transformation lies in his hands which I have no reason to be sure of , but for me, an old lesson was re-learnt in another perspective “There is more joy in giving than in receiving”. If you are thinking that I am going to walk on the road and try to satiate the urge of every uncle calling me, you are thoroughly mistaken. You can’t relive every beautiful moment that flashes in your life.
He apologized holding my hands and I didn’t respond. The regular stream of thoughts ran through me cursing these unsatisfied sexual addicts wearing the masks of a caring husband and a responsible father with a filthy face underneath hunting the vulnerable young men to let loose the beast inside them. To my surprise and quite different from the usual fetish crowd, he started speaking when we came out during a stop at a motel. Amazement again struck me when I came to know he was a gay and without a partner. His story was quite pathetic as he had lived a lonely life without a single soul to share his feelings. I advised him “Sexuality is a preference. But irrespective of whether you are a straight or gay, the sex inside you should get evolved and mature itself into deeper emotions, otherwise the advancement of age inside you will be in dearth of a meaning as you remain a playboy throughout your life not looking beyond the skin of a person”.
“I agree with you, my boy” he accepted. “My Logic understands but not my feelings. When I saw your face so close to me, I couldn’t control. My thirst has been accumulated for months, I didn’t get an opportunity to quench it. If at all you want to help me, be a vent for it. I ll be grateful to you all my life”. The tears that fell from his eyes and the words he uttered were resonating in my mind throughout the journey as I started dissecting it in all angles. No single reason could come to my mind against him and the genuineness seen his eyes fought for his case. When I agreed he said he is the happiest person in the universe at that point of time.
He was not so rich and is living in a humble dwelling. The next night we met after closing my business engagements. He lived every moment of that darkness. The next morning saw two satisfied souls in his bed .For the elder one in the physical boundaries and for the younger one in the deeper mental plane. I bid him adieu and told him that I expected to find a more mature person of him next time and definitely that meet will not culminate in his bed. The Transformation lies in his hands which I have no reason to be sure of , but for me, an old lesson was re-learnt in another perspective “There is more joy in giving than in receiving”. If you are thinking that I am going to walk on the road and try to satiate the urge of every uncle calling me, you are thoroughly mistaken. You can’t relive every beautiful moment that flashes in your life.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Confessions of a Mature Gay - Not an Auto BI ography but a Auto GAY ography :-)
The usage of the adjective "mature" here is strictly in a relative sense. I don't think I m fully mature and maturity is always a horizon beyond the grasp of every human being. Even the person who is living his/her longest life-span on earth has some maturity gained with every passing day.
For many, homosexuality is a perversion. For some, a stop-gap arrangement till they taste the real sex. For quite a lot of cheats in the world, it is just a vent for their suppressed orgies which a woman would not tolerate in her bed. For a countable few in which I am proud to get identified with, its an alternate life-style, just an off-the-crowd sexual preference.
The first bottleneck which a gay faces while coming out is the host of filthy reasons attributed to this otherwise strange behavior in the names of Hormone imbalance and Genetic disorders which have sense only for the nerds doing their research in scientific laboratories and no relevance to the future of the gay-boy. If you have an on-demand solution to fix it, you may be welcome, else please do not smudge us with all these dirts and stop looking at us like victims of a strange infectious disease.
To quote my previous post, my childhood fantasies on seeing nude bodies only resulted in the attraction for male and doesn't went to the extent of calling for a sex change. I am quite masculine with no inclination towards cross-dressing. I became a prey to my classmates desperately looking for girl friends or couldn't be patient till their marriage. For many of my friends of this world, the kick-off was a result of child abuse which fortunately didn't happen to me.
I lied. Lied to me, Lied to my heart and lied to my soul that those who pounced on my body are those who loved me. The reality was quite far from it. A man knows another male body's requirement. Its true for the other gender also. Opposite genders can compliment each other in the organs but not in the sexual needs. That is the reason why the unsatiated bi-sexuals in the disguise of gays hunt for us. I confess I ve done it but I swear I ll not do it again. I didn't do it intentionally but I was cheated. Not another time the faces of their poor wives and children who have done no harm to anyone will linger in my mind during and after such an encounter.
Just like other guyz dating gals, I ve dated guyz but they needed my body but didn't even have patience or time to listen to my heart. I am not just blaming the bi-sexuals even gay friends. Just like a person stepping into a middle age start seeing his wife beyond her body and as an eternal companion not just in this life but also in the lives to come. I am also looking for a sweet-heart with whom I can share everything in my life : my joys, my sorrows and my anger ( ofcourse with the condition dat I ll share his).
For many, homosexuality is a perversion. For some, a stop-gap arrangement till they taste the real sex. For quite a lot of cheats in the world, it is just a vent for their suppressed orgies which a woman would not tolerate in her bed. For a countable few in which I am proud to get identified with, its an alternate life-style, just an off-the-crowd sexual preference.
The first bottleneck which a gay faces while coming out is the host of filthy reasons attributed to this otherwise strange behavior in the names of Hormone imbalance and Genetic disorders which have sense only for the nerds doing their research in scientific laboratories and no relevance to the future of the gay-boy. If you have an on-demand solution to fix it, you may be welcome, else please do not smudge us with all these dirts and stop looking at us like victims of a strange infectious disease.
To quote my previous post, my childhood fantasies on seeing nude bodies only resulted in the attraction for male and doesn't went to the extent of calling for a sex change. I am quite masculine with no inclination towards cross-dressing. I became a prey to my classmates desperately looking for girl friends or couldn't be patient till their marriage. For many of my friends of this world, the kick-off was a result of child abuse which fortunately didn't happen to me.
I lied. Lied to me, Lied to my heart and lied to my soul that those who pounced on my body are those who loved me. The reality was quite far from it. A man knows another male body's requirement. Its true for the other gender also. Opposite genders can compliment each other in the organs but not in the sexual needs. That is the reason why the unsatiated bi-sexuals in the disguise of gays hunt for us. I confess I ve done it but I swear I ll not do it again. I didn't do it intentionally but I was cheated. Not another time the faces of their poor wives and children who have done no harm to anyone will linger in my mind during and after such an encounter.
Just like other guyz dating gals, I ve dated guyz but they needed my body but didn't even have patience or time to listen to my heart. I am not just blaming the bi-sexuals even gay friends. Just like a person stepping into a middle age start seeing his wife beyond her body and as an eternal companion not just in this life but also in the lives to come. I am also looking for a sweet-heart with whom I can share everything in my life : my joys, my sorrows and my anger ( ofcourse with the condition dat I ll share his).
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
My Letter which I can never write to my mom
Dear amma (as we call 'mother' in my mother tongue)
This is my first and probably my only letter to you. I ve never felt any necessity to write to you coz u were there always whenever I wanted to talk about anything under the sun.
The contents of this letter could be quite shocking to you and I may get a corporal punishment of life-long abandonment by you but still I cannot hide it any longer coz lying to you is tantamount to lying to me. I was in you , earlier a physical extension of you and now mentally.
I ve heard people saying whenever a gal attains puberty or during her delivery, she would prefer to be only with her mother. Similarly, I can tell this only to you. When I was hungry , u gave me milk, then food. When I was naked, u gave me clothes. When I was ignorant, u taught me everything even how to wash after using the washroom. When I grew up, u understood I need a companion and started pestering for my marriage.
Amma! What if I bring my companion in front of you and ask you and Appa (Thatz how we call father in my mother tongue) to bless us in our future life. If itz ok for you, I ve one more question for you. Wht if my companion is a guy ?
R u shocked ? R u screaming dat such a pervert cannot be born in ur womb ? Do you want to take me to a clinical psychiatrist to cure my "mental problem"? Do u think it is a result of a bad combination of planets ? Are you afraid abt the society ? Do u want me to marry a gal for the society's sake ?
I am rewinding my memories to my childhood. As a natural curiosity of any guy, I wanted to see naked bodies and how the genders differ physically. I was not at all attracted by female bodies. Amma! It is not a mental problem nor a bad planetary influence. It is sexual orientation or just a gender preference. In simple terms its like the food and color of my shirt which I prefer. I am not an eunuch. I am quite masculine. I am not thinking dat I am a gal nor am I inclined to wear a woman's attire.
Amma! Do u know how I felt bad when I understood I am different? But definitely not now. Itz my way. Itz my life. I am not a pervert but quite special. I am off the crowd treading a lonely path. In fact, there is no path before me. I ve to find it myself.
This is not a disease to be cured by a therapy like hypnotism but a way of life in which I am quite comfortable with.
Do u want me to marry a gal and spoil her life ? Wht right do I ve for dat? I can see her just as a friend . Definitely not beyond dat.
I know I ve shattered ur dreams. U cant show with pride the album of my marriage with a gal, have a gal assist you in the daily chores of the kitchen , u cant play with ur grandchildren. All your life, you have lived for me not for you. Instead of burying both of our dreams , y not try to enliven one of them - at least mine ?
Do you know my dream ? I wanna bring my companion and start our life with ur blessings. We ll stay in our home itself. We ll b two good sons of you, getting our heavenly comfort in ur laps. We ll relish the dishes prepared by you exclusively for us and go for picnics with the entire family.....Its quite long.
Will you ? I had never received a NO from you for anything which I had asked for. I am sure abt this time also. But I am just pondering over how to make this letter reach you.
Ever your loving son (in spite of being a gay)
This is my first and probably my only letter to you. I ve never felt any necessity to write to you coz u were there always whenever I wanted to talk about anything under the sun.
The contents of this letter could be quite shocking to you and I may get a corporal punishment of life-long abandonment by you but still I cannot hide it any longer coz lying to you is tantamount to lying to me. I was in you , earlier a physical extension of you and now mentally.
I ve heard people saying whenever a gal attains puberty or during her delivery, she would prefer to be only with her mother. Similarly, I can tell this only to you. When I was hungry , u gave me milk, then food. When I was naked, u gave me clothes. When I was ignorant, u taught me everything even how to wash after using the washroom. When I grew up, u understood I need a companion and started pestering for my marriage.
Amma! What if I bring my companion in front of you and ask you and Appa (Thatz how we call father in my mother tongue) to bless us in our future life. If itz ok for you, I ve one more question for you. Wht if my companion is a guy ?
R u shocked ? R u screaming dat such a pervert cannot be born in ur womb ? Do you want to take me to a clinical psychiatrist to cure my "mental problem"? Do u think it is a result of a bad combination of planets ? Are you afraid abt the society ? Do u want me to marry a gal for the society's sake ?
I am rewinding my memories to my childhood. As a natural curiosity of any guy, I wanted to see naked bodies and how the genders differ physically. I was not at all attracted by female bodies. Amma! It is not a mental problem nor a bad planetary influence. It is sexual orientation or just a gender preference. In simple terms its like the food and color of my shirt which I prefer. I am not an eunuch. I am quite masculine. I am not thinking dat I am a gal nor am I inclined to wear a woman's attire.
Amma! Do u know how I felt bad when I understood I am different? But definitely not now. Itz my way. Itz my life. I am not a pervert but quite special. I am off the crowd treading a lonely path. In fact, there is no path before me. I ve to find it myself.
This is not a disease to be cured by a therapy like hypnotism but a way of life in which I am quite comfortable with.
Do u want me to marry a gal and spoil her life ? Wht right do I ve for dat? I can see her just as a friend . Definitely not beyond dat.
I know I ve shattered ur dreams. U cant show with pride the album of my marriage with a gal, have a gal assist you in the daily chores of the kitchen , u cant play with ur grandchildren. All your life, you have lived for me not for you. Instead of burying both of our dreams , y not try to enliven one of them - at least mine ?
Do you know my dream ? I wanna bring my companion and start our life with ur blessings. We ll stay in our home itself. We ll b two good sons of you, getting our heavenly comfort in ur laps. We ll relish the dishes prepared by you exclusively for us and go for picnics with the entire family.....Its quite long.
Will you ? I had never received a NO from you for anything which I had asked for. I am sure abt this time also. But I am just pondering over how to make this letter reach you.
Ever your loving son (in spite of being a gay)
An Auspicious Begining
Itz a custom in India to start everything with a religious/spiritual/whatever you call touch. Let me do it here without disrespect to anyone.
Mano budh yahankara Chithani Na ham
Na Cha shrothra Jihve Na cha grana Nethre
Na cha vyoma Bhoomir Na Tejo vayu
Chidananda Roopa Shivoham Shivoham
- Nirvana Shatgam Stanza 1 authored by Adi Shankara
I am not the Mind, nor the Intellect, nor the ego-state, nor the store house of memories
I am not the ear, nor the tongue, nor the nose, nor the eyes
Nor am I the sky, or the earth, or fire or air
I am the supreme auspiciousness of the form of consciousness-bliss.
I am the auspiciousness
Here is my version giving my introduction
I am not an Eunuch nor am I a cross-dresser
I am not impotent nor am I a Gigolo
I am not a perverted husband who want to enjoy the male when his wife is denying sex
I am a gay, a normal human being, having no sexual attraction towards women.
Religion/Spirituality for me is not leading a life full of fear to pacify the gods to lead a comfortable life in the heaven after my death. Its a beautiful path of discovery of oneself. If the discovery that my orientation as a gay is false, I am not going inside me. If I negate being a gay, I am negating myself.
Mano budh yahankara Chithani Na ham
Na Cha shrothra Jihve Na cha grana Nethre
Na cha vyoma Bhoomir Na Tejo vayu
Chidananda Roopa Shivoham Shivoham
- Nirvana Shatgam Stanza 1 authored by Adi Shankara
I am not the Mind, nor the Intellect, nor the ego-state, nor the store house of memories
I am not the ear, nor the tongue, nor the nose, nor the eyes
Nor am I the sky, or the earth, or fire or air
I am the supreme auspiciousness of the form of consciousness-bliss.
I am the auspiciousness
Here is my version giving my introduction
I am not an Eunuch nor am I a cross-dresser
I am not impotent nor am I a Gigolo
I am not a perverted husband who want to enjoy the male when his wife is denying sex
I am a gay, a normal human being, having no sexual attraction towards women.
Religion/Spirituality for me is not leading a life full of fear to pacify the gods to lead a comfortable life in the heaven after my death. Its a beautiful path of discovery of oneself. If the discovery that my orientation as a gay is false, I am not going inside me. If I negate being a gay, I am negating myself.
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